Mind control on Long Island, New York.

I’ve never been to NYC before. Well, maybe paid the toll on the Goerge Washington Bridge once because of a map mistake in the days before GPS. Maybe once again to see a Broadway show.

But this time, I’m really in the belly of the beast. Well, if you can call Long Island that. 100 miles of suburbs that could be in any other urban/metropolitan community across what I like to call Americana. You have to watch your timing with the access by MANY bridges, and there is a cute little ferry system.

So we are at an Airbnb. We have the full basement of a house just a few miles from Jaclyn’s boyfriend/roommate’s extended family/potential future in-laws. Which is perfect for a holiday visit.

Especially since it is close enough for me not to have to buy any beer. And bonus: they keep it on the back porch, which makes me think of home in Eastern Washington. Win/win. If they had a standing freezer on the front porch with a deer carcass in it, I would almost cry from homesickness.

But I think I’m a victim of mind control. Maybe it’s because I just finished reading the book Atomic Habits: Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results. I thought it would be a good way to burn up all of that hurry-up-and-wait travel time at the airport and such.

Pretty simple read. It taught me how to look for the little cues in my life that cause an unconscious craving, which then leads to an action I can’t control, producing a reward I can’t remember. Who cannot appreciate such circular logic?  Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever. It was only 12 bucks and Nancy wanted to read it, so not a total loss.

I’m at the Airbnb, get up in the morning, go into the bathroom, and do my usual thing. Wash my face. Then brush my teeth. Now I admit, I’m not the best flosser out there. but I make an effort to feel good about myself. But for some reason, I suddenly found the floss in my hand. It was wrapped around my finger, and I’m not sure how it got there. I paused. Confused. Then I saw something to the side of the vanity mirror.

No. How did that happen? Just a coincidence. Blow is off. Just for good measure, I throw the floss away. But there is ALREADY floss in the trash can, and I’m the first one up. Hmmmm.

Now I’m curious. I look back to that stupid sign. Flush? I just have to know, so I walk on over. And yes! How did that get there? I stick my head out the door. Nancy and Mitch are still sleeping. Maybe someone from upstairs came down to mess with my mind? No. Just clear my thoughts and be done with it.

About now I start to feel the fatigue in my legs. All of the sitting in the airport and plane and the road trip up to RI the other day. That sedentary stiffness you get from not moving around. I almost feel my legs starting to buckle a little.

I need to just take a seat and enjoy this welcoming Airbnb. Hold on………

Now I’m nervous. Something is going on here. I think I’m having a panic attack. My heart is racing. Then suddenly I’m overcome with a wave of relaxation. For reasons unknown, I feel almost rejuvenated.

I have to get out of this bathroom. Turn off the light, and close the door. Fight the temptation to lock it from the inside to keep the demonic spirits at bay and save the family.

But I’m a rational guy. A well-read. Man of fact and science. Let’s just get some breakfast and forget that entire hallucination. Into the kitchen I go.

Now to be honest, among my many issues, I am a little dyslectic (just a lesser byproduct of the speech impediment). So you can imagine my confusion when I was both hungry AND had a craving for a nice warm cup of tea at the same time. Then I turned on the kitchen light.

But I don’t like tea. Never have. Never will. Ha! I’ll show these supernatural powers they can’t control me. Because what I truly want is a cup of coffee!!! Yes! I am in control of my destiny.

Nooooooooooooooooo! I need to calm down. Writing always calms me down. I have a couple of blog posts to finish up, and there is a great desk in the hallway. Good lighting and nice charging ports for my laptop. That will be my safe haven. A great little nook to write about the happiness of the holiday season. And all of the joy……

How? How did my life become so controlled and automated!? How is this happening? Who is steering my every move? Am I in some kind of experiment with the people upstairs? Are they Airbnb hosts or the puppet masters of my soul? Then I start to really look around. Past all the obvious signs and start seeing the more subtle ones.

I find this random window. With blinds and locks on the OTHER side.

Is this where they are viewing us at night? An observation room? Has my family become the ultimate reality show (well, other than the Kardashians, of course)?

Or maybe they don’t have cable, and WE are the entertainment. Even the pioneers had to do something.

But what about the curtain in the stairway going up to the lair of the overlords? Will I finally meet the Great and Powerful Oz? Or is the army of flying monkeys going to swam us at any minute?

Am I supposed to revert to Alice in Wonderland? Find that one pill that will make me smaller?

Because that is the ONLY way I am going to be able to take a bath in the four inches of water below the shower step-in.

But no! That won’t work! I need at least one full-sized butt cheek to cover the drain so I’m not Flushed Away!

Maybe I’m not supposed to take a pill and shrink and take a bath in a poorly designed shower stall after all. Maybe I’m supposed to stay in the real world. Eat better. Exercise more. Lose a little weight. Because? I am not destined to die in a basement fire on Long Island, NY.

Or maybe I just need to stick to UFO and JFK conspiracy theories. As long as they don’t get in the way of my morning coffee (which I choose of my own free will).

Happy holidays to you and yours. Goatboy out!